So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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