i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
