There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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