Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize