I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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