it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
