im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
