how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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