Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
