Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
