At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
