I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
