He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
