I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
