I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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