You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
