maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
