I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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