Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
