The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
