So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
