Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
