I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
