Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
