i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
