Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
