So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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