Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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