and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
