At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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