My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
FUCK WHALES
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
