i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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