I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
