i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
