Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
