Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
