he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
