We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
