I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
