me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
send nudes
from the living room?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
