I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
