apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
