where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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