Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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