I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
