remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
