Too much gin, very little bucket
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
