what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
this hospital has no fireball
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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