that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
