It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
