i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
