Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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