Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
