Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
