there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize