I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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