sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
