So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
