i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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