I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sorry about my life...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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