yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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