Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I touched a dick in church today
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
