your parents love me but you hate me
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
