I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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