After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We are all done wearing pants today
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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