He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
