ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
